On Being Tough Enough
October 1st, 2024
| From the Head of School: Thoughts on Teaching & Learning, October 2024 When I talk to prospective families who visit Selwyn, they often ask a question that I think is worth taking the time to address. They have seen our website and social media, they have learned about our school from friends and during their campus tour, and they often come away with a clear understanding that we are a school that values empathy and a holistic approach to education. Some families have a lingering concern, though: will my child be prepared for the real world in such an environment? Won’t my child toughen up more if they go to a different school? Maybe they will toughen up at another school. The world is a tough place. But the world will always be—and it will only ever be—a tough place if we only ever raise tough children. It is, therefore, worth asking ourselves if toughness is the value that we want our future adults to have. Is there some other character trait that is more valuable, more purposeful, in the lives of our children? At Selwyn, we are truly trying to raise children who are capable of shaping the world rather than being shaped by the world. To do that takes courage and determination, not just thick skin. At faculty meetings when our teachers discuss helping our students develop skills, we do not talk about how to toughen up a child. Instead, we talk about how to give children the tools they need to feel the courage to do hard things and the determination to see them through from start to finish. The answers to these questions are core to our mission, and it’s foundational to who we are. How will our children be prepared for the hostilities of the real world? What’s the best place for them to learn in preparation for those hostilities? If we model for our students the type of world that is possible for them, then they will be encouraged to advocate for the kind of world they want for their own children in the future. Through our children, we can make our world kinder by degrees. Children are not encouraged to learn, to become their best selves, in hostile environments. That’s why we are focused on cultivating a learning environment that is safe, joyful, and nurturing for all of our students. Yes, in good time each of them will in time face the hostilities of the world. How will they face those hostilities? Through the toughness that comes from calloused, thick skin? Or through the determination and courage of a person who is assured of their values, their place in the world, and their own power? We have the unique opportunity to raise adults who are prepared to challenge an unkind world and make it a better, more joyful and loving place. Our job—the job of parents and of teachers—is to raise children into adults. What do we want those adults to be like? Yes, we can put them in places and situations where they must adapt by force or suffer social consequences like bullying, ostracization, or worse. Or we can teach them from a place of love and kindness that encourages them to become the best versions of themselves, to face the hostilities of the world with poise and grace rather than power and anger. A bully has no power against a self-confident, self-assured person. And we do not defeat bullying by being bullied. We defeat bullying by becoming resilient, courageous people who know what we stand for—and who know what is worth standing for. Best, Deborah Hof Head of School |
